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My Life...

I feel lost now... Kinda lost... Not knowing what directions to take. Exams are coming and now i'm still lurking in this mess? I start to realise this is Love... I know... The only 3rd time i felt it... I should not compare with others... Mine's juz mere ants compared to theirs. haiZ... These are what happened... It'll take me loads of courage to spill out... But heck!

The 1st time...
is really Ping. =) Although we started out like birds rushing to build a nest, and that until now i still din think i really liked her in the 1st place.... It's juz the wanting for a gf... The crushie feeling... yupZ. Feelings grew not by weeks, nor by days, their by seconds... I really missed this feeling.. It all started out with all the coincidences (we keep doing the same things together without knowing), the telepathy in between, the new wierd feeling and the way she expressed herself... That was the 1st ever time i felt so... It's so sweet!!! And in case no one knows, she's a year older... But so what? She's still a great girl... And Ping... If u ever still read my blogs... I really wanna say a big thank you... And i'm really sorry for the huge wound i'd caused... *guilt still lingers in me... and many a times i'll still think back at what u said to me and what u did* I bet u'd nv knew this...

I told her i'd give my everything to her... This is my 1st real love... and I told her i wanted her to do so too... "Nice..." This is so stupid of me... HaiZ... I practically grew to rely on her more and more for my emotional needs... She meant everything to me... Everything... I bet i meant the same to her... But u know what? At that point... Really puzzling... I attract girls.... Real loads of them... I dunnoe why... Why muz all of them interupt us? She felt the insecurity... She's real unbalanced... 10 sec 1 girls liking me? =.=" Was i that attractive?

And later on... I kinda had a crush on Joy. =.=" Nice to have a crush on other girls while having a gf hurZ? =.= I knew it was juz a mere crush... It'll go off.... Juz a blow of wind to push it away... And until now i'm still wondering if i'm right in any case to tell Ping that? haiZ... The after effects were like... OOSH! OUCH! AHH! Lost her for that very moment... And we patched again... With lotsa wounds.... More on her.... Why? I think i really wasn't matured enough to do the right stuff... In the end, i broke up with her... Wanted her to concentrate more on studies... Cuz wih me around, she's always very vexed... Gosh.... I gave up a great love story... juz like that... Pure stupidity.... It's juz an inborn trait - Stupidity. I bet she's still thinking that i was making use of her all the while... What can i do? I really felt suicidal cuz i asked for a break up... Like suddenly she's outta my life... Could not accept it. Ten why break in the 1st place? =.=" it's stupid...

Later on i met SC... Kinda did a transfer.... if u know what a mean... Actually i treated her like a shadow of Ping... Did what i would have done for lena for her... It's like living in memories... I'm cheating on someone... But nvm anyway... Cuz she dun like me... I think... Cuz there's really no response from her... It's like she totally cold towards me... Felt the agony without Ping...

The 2nd time...
is LingZ... It was after the fact that there's no more hope with Ping and that I should not bother SC anymore which got finally thru my head that i start to let things down... Dunnoe why... Even before I could even take a break from all these shit, this feeling is back! >_<>The 3rd and so far the last time...
it's so obvious... It's her... I dunnoe... Very luan now... It's like.... I'm missing her like crazy... It goes by the seconds... She juz keep flashing thru my head... The sight of her makes me crazy, the feeling of her around's so comforting... And smth's like gnawing in my heart when i dun see her... She makes lifts me up and slams me down easily like playing tic-tac-toe. And i loved the way she looks at me, the way she sneezes, the way she sleeps and so on... Can't help myself staring a her... >_< She knows it... But is she reacting? HmmX.... I dun think so...

I dun want another incident like LingZ... No... I'm feeling the Dilemma now... I really like her lots and lots... About to reach the love stage le... I wanna go all out for her... but then... i wanna give up too... She's so great compared to me... Then wo pei bu shang ta.... And me really afraid of rejection now... I miss her...

After reading this entry... I think u'll know why pple say i'm a flirt le... HaiZ... Seriously... I dunnoe how to help myself... Juz feel like rotting there. Let fate decide... And really sorrie to write such a LONG entry... 1st time i'm doing this... It took me 3 hrs... Haha! Nice lar...

posted by Vin™ @ 1:53 pm